On gentleness
Gentleness, I think, is often enkindled by something that is simultaneously precious and vulnerable; a new bud emerging from winter soil or blossom petals in spiring, an innocent question of a child or a person emancipated by age. We meet them with a gentle gesture, a gentle word, a gentle approach.
Something strong, large or powerful may also move us to gentleness; a tall and broad oak tree, a parent, a company or a country. But it is not the impressiveness or strength of these things which moves us to gentleness, it is our recognition of what is exposed and quietly enduring within it.
Gentleness then, is an attitude, and gentle behaviour expresses our inner feelings of protection for what is vulnerable, and treasuring what is precious.
I wonder, can I be gentle with myself?
So much of what I am is fragile, and it is easy for me to meet that humanness with disappointment or indifference, frustration and despair. To treat myself with harsh words and a forceful will to change. To see myself as my flaws.
But can I experience myself as both vulnerable and precious?
When I recognise that my very humanness makes me fragile, vulnerable, enduring… and precious, gentleness can emerge. As an attitude of letting be, of patience and wonder, it allows me to be free and whole as I am.
In therapy, I’m often aware that what brings someone into the room is tender, easily bruised and easily misunderstood. And it is this very tenderness that calls for gentleness. Not as a technique, but as an attitude of patience, wonder, and a willingness to let someone be as they are.
I return this question to my clients; can you be gentle with yourself?
Often, no. Just like me, their humanness is met with disappointment.
It can be a slow shift away from judgement to acceptance, and yet I see it time and again in session. When we loosen the idea that our humanness is a failing, something softens within us, and we begin to recognise that being fragile does not make us flawed, but that it makes us worthy of care.
Image is ‘Lotus’ by an unidentified artist of the Ming Dynasty 1368–1644
Thoughts and words adapted from ‘Anger and the Gentle Life’ by Adrian van Kaam
